Self acceptance as a BHM

Discussion in 'BHM/FFA' started by Lastminute.Tom, Aug 26, 2018.

  1. Aug 26, 2018 #1

    Lastminute.Tom

    Lastminute.Tom

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    I've recently started my journey of self acceptance, I'm doing cognitive behavioural therapy, I've just been diagnosed type 2 diabetes so I'm trying to look after myself a bit more, I'm not trying actively to loose weight although I was told that I might have to :(

    I want to know other BHMs self acceptance journeys, do you have any tips? or advice? a story to tell us?

    I think eventually I would like to be confident enough to post pictures of my body, at the moment I can sort of love my body through my partners love of my body but I'd like to get the point of accepting myself.
     
  2. Aug 27, 2018 #2

    fat hiker

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    Part of my route to self acceptance was finding images and stories of other fat guys to admire and see the beauty and good in - watching for other fat guys just going about their lives, seemingly accepting, and wanting to be that way too. I looked for guys my size or bigger who were dressed the way I wanted or better; were doing things I wanted to do; had friends and partners like the sort I wished for. Surrounding myself with images and thoughts of 'winning fat guys' instead of the thin fashion types that the advertising world wants us to pine for was a big part of starting my self-acceptance.

    That, and dumping all thoughts of dieting. And seeing exercise as a way to be healthier, and to do more, not as a route to weight loss.
     
  3. Aug 28, 2018 #3

    DragonFly

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    I wish my guy was still with us. I would immediately point you both to him to show what a self confident BHM looked and acted like. Professionally he was successful, had many many lifelong friends. He was confident and wonderful. I adored every part of him. Acceptance of self and confidence make a great pair.

    If you are looking for great fashion role models try https://chubstr.com/

    Seriously, I find these guys inspirational and adorable
     
  4. Aug 28, 2018 #4

    agouderia

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    Great recommendations, fat hiker & Dragonfly.

    Lastminute.Tom - the last element of your post re-ignited a thought loop I've gotten into periodically over the last few years. It is not critical of your post, and not even directly connected to your questions - but please bear with me since you addressed the issue.

    How important is posting body pictures actually for achieving and showing real self-confidence?

    All sorts of body pictures have become ubiquitous in the age of the internet - we all see the "influencers" and such who are only publicly known for posting pics of their backsides, boobs or whatever other body parts.

    Until about 20 years ago - this was completely unknown.
    Only a very limited number of people with a professional background in some fashion or entertainment field could have their pictures publicized in the relatively limited number of outlets and channels.

    Today, everybody can everywhere on the internet - and I haven't yet been able to decide whether this is a boon or a liability.

    More and more people define themselves of their looks (often well filtered and edited) - this making body standards sky rocket, become unrealistic and unattainable.
    On the other hand, having so many more channels and niches has also given more fat protagonists and sites the means to find their audiences and become inspirations - see chubstr above.

    Then again, being a pretty militant data privacy advocate, too much personal exposure to an audience I cannot fully gauge lets my own alarm bells go off.

    It's a dilemma I haven't found an answer to yet.
     
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  5. Aug 28, 2018 #5

    BigElectricKat

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    Being completely honest, I haven't gotten to that point where I'm fully accepting of my body as it is now. Having been an athlete most of my life, my brain keeps telling me that I can change how I look (body-wise at least) if/when I get the gumption to do so. But the reality is that I haven't really tried all that much. I try to tell myself that I'm not all that bad (especially when I've got my gut sucked in), but the truth is that I may not like what I see but not to the point where I can't stand it and MUST do something about it. So what does that say about my resolve and/or acceptance?

    I also have Type 2 diabetes and am on meds to control it. In my case, the meds have helped me lose a little weight (down to 224 lbs from 232 lbs) but It's not significant to the point where I'm shouting "Hooray!"

    One of the reasons that I sought out this forum was to find a place where I was accpeted as I am and not as others think I should be but also where I could maybe learn to accept myself as I am. It seems to be more difficult than I would have thought. I try to stay positive and find the bright side of most things but I do have a hard time with my own self acceptance. I think the difficulty comes from others (read: women) not really finding me attractive. Sad as it is to say, it becomes troublesome when you don't fit in, figuratively and literally. I'm the first to advocate loving yourself first. However, it generally sucks when you are the only one that does.

    I am NOT seeking affirmation or sympathy here. I know eventually that I will get through this just like the other doldrums in life. Just wanting to express my own battles with self acceptance and trying to embrace my inner BHM (or at least the B & M part anyway).
     
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  6. Aug 29, 2018 #6

    agouderia

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    I hear you.
    The second B in BBW always seems hyberbole to my ears, too.
    Beautiful in my book is a big word and I'm vary of its inflational use. It might apply to the women in Raphael paintings or Praxiteles' Hermes - but not necessarily to plain daily prettiness.
     
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  7. Aug 29, 2018 #7

    BigElectricKat

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    I disagree. There's a lot to be said for "plain daily prettiness". The older I've gotten, the more I've recognize and enjoy the beauty found in the simplest things and in even the most modest of women especially. I find that I'm less concerned with a standard of beauty and more attracted to how the parts of a person make up something greater than the whole. Outwardly, I've come to be attracted to women who don't seem to be trying to look beautiful and instead, just are. More times than not, those same women have a beautiful spirit as well, which makes it doubly attractive.
     
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  8. Aug 29, 2018 #8

    Lastminute.Tom

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    Thank you all for your kind words and your support,

    Fat Hiker: An excellent suggestion, for most of my life I've been the fat guy in my group of thin friends, I'm not used to seeing the fat guy be the focus

    DragonFly: Thank you for sharing your memories, his legacy lives on through you and the help and advice you give to us all, thank you for the link I'm already enjoying some of the articles

    Agouderia: Posting pics is more of a metric to measure my self acceptance journey it was the first thing that came to mind, but I am open to other suggestions

    BigElectricKat: Thank you for sharing, I'm sure there are women out there that find you attractive, it's hard to see them when you don't think they are there, you'll find someone
     
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  9. Aug 30, 2018 #9

    DragonFly

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    I’m glad you are liking Chubster. It is one of my favorite FB feeds. I hope your journey continues. Self confidence is the key.
     
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  10. Oct 8, 2018 #10

    Colonial Warrior

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    I just wish you every measure of goodness and happiness!!!
     
  11. Oct 8, 2018 #11

    Colonial Warrior

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    Thank you so much to you!!!
     
  12. Nov 20, 2018 #12

    abzu

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    I've been fat all of my life, and from the beginning, I was neither in adoration of, nor critical of my form. I did, however, notice, the average and the thin obsessing over their appearance from an early age. Their parents and society often made it worse, like throwing gasoline on a fire. Most people I encounter continue to be like this, and assume that every detail of my appearance, however minuscule, is intentional. I gave up long ago on trying to convince them that many of these things are the product of chance or indifference or about one thing or another, as they've proven that an elaborate and often bizarre, fictional narrative is often running through their heads. I also gave up, at least in most in cases, attempting to educate them regarding how my body works. They either don't care what I have to say, don't understand it, or are convinced that whatever fantasy they've concocted is paramount. I therefore ignore all of these people as much as possible, unless it rises to the level of harassment, or presents imminent danger of preventing me from accessing vital resources of some sort, which, unfortunately, does happen on occasion.

    I find myself in the same position as when I was a teenager. The more enlightened society becomes, and the more commonplace larger bodies become, the less issue I have. In short, it is as it was in the beginning; The most dangerous issues my size, and, to be completely honest, my cognitive variance (Not a reference to mental illness, but the fact most people's neurology seems to be different than my own) with the majority of the population have attracted originate from those most intolerant of my size, NOT the ACTUAL problems my weight itself might have caused. The more they get their act together, the better I feel, in every way.

    A good, practical example of what I referenced in the previous paragraph: I really enjoy having been able to resume shopping at the only full-size grocery store near my home. The chain went bankrupt multiple times, and thanks to their last reorganization, coupled with the passage of time, it's no longer corporate policy, or quite as a much the cultural norm of the locals any longer to question everything I purchase in relation to my weight, or follow me around the store as they did my elderly mother years before, monitoring activity, and criticizing most choices. Not being held up for 20 minutes at checkout and having to get the manager because the morally challenged are entertaining themselves by seeing how many inappropriate questions they can get by with is surely a pleasure. It's almost like I'm a real person...or that I live in a real city again as I did when I was younger.
     
  13. Dec 12, 2018 #13

    Lastminute.Tom

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    thank you for sharing Abzu, it forking sucks how those ***** treated you and your mother, I'm glad to know things have changed.

    Your share has given me some clarity or maybe I'm just leaping to conclusions but I will share what I have gleaned based on my experiences and your post.

    When you say people have this narrative running through their heads something clicked in my head, I think I remember when I was younger and I thought I'd get my parents approval if I was thinner, I'd see thin bodies and think "oh that could be me if only I could manage to do XYZ"

    I think some people see us and they have to know that there was a reason that we're fat and they aren't because they're terrified that they'd be fat and they need the bizarre narrative so they can say "well that will never happen to me because of XYZ" (I think the name for theses narratives is tragedy porn)

    Anyway really, it's just sad that people feel this way, they assume we have bad lives, like when I assumed being thin would give me a good life. I think this is another reason why fat representation in tv and film is so important, it's definitely getting better but we've got a long way to go.
     
  14. Dec 13, 2018 #14

    BouncingBoy

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    Tom.....I've been big ALL my life.When I was younger things got to me occasionally but my Mama(a nurse & also a big lady)told me to just be myself.As long as my vitals(BP,heart rate,pulse,Breathing) were within proper limits to NOT worry about what others said.I'm now 61 yrs. old & weigh roughly #360.I have aches & pains but that's normal for a lot of folks my age.I DON'T blame any of them om my weight(it may not help at times but it is NOT the cause).I tell every Dr. I go to that my weight is MY business & NOT theirs.If people comment negatively about my weight I just look at them & smile.I LOVE my life & nothing they say about my weight is going to change that!
     
  15. Jan 4, 2019 #15

    Marshmallow Minotaur

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    It’s just in the past couple of months that I like myself the way I am, and like where I’m taking it.

    It took me a long time of wavering whether to keep gaining or lose it. As I gain more I’m more comfortable with myself and being fat and getting fatter. It’s just something I accept. It helps seeing good looking fat guys too. With so many good looking fat men out there how bad can it be? I want to be one of them.
     
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  16. Jan 5, 2019 #16

    AmyJo1976

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    I don't see it as any different as wanting to be super fit. If that's what you like, just know that there are some of us that like your likes :D
     
  17. Jan 6, 2019 #17

    SSBHM

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    Unfortunately, there are fewer "some of us" to like our likes than I'd like.
     
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  18. Jan 9, 2019 #18

    Unbasher

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    Although I agree we're the minority with our likes, I think many people who share our views are not aware of it. It would help if more people knew about Dimensions. This forum has played a big role in discovering who I am but I stumbled across it by accident. I have no idea how to change that, though.
     
  19. Jan 9, 2019 #19

    BigElectricKat

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    I agree. I came across it by accident as well and credit the site and many of it's members with helping me to educate myself and expand my horizons.
     
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  20. Jan 9, 2019 #20

    LizzieJones

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    I actively seeked out a forum such as this one. This one was the best of the three forums that I had found.
     
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