The Divorce/LTR Breakup Thread

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LeoGibson

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Ok. So I’m currently separated and heading down the road to become divorced. I wanted to open this thread up to others and sharing their experiences as I’ve never broken up with anyone in a Long-Term Relationship (LTR for short) or marriage before.

What are some things you learned? Or wish you had done differently? Or didn’t see coming? I’m also interested in things others have done to move forward past it, dating again as a bhm/bbw after many years inside a relationship, or if they haven’t been able to move past it at all. Really just any thoughts or experiences are welcome. I know relationships that have many years behind them can be tricky to navigate at best of times and really hard to dissolve. So what did y’all do?

I debated putting this in the lounge or main board to open it up, but since I spend most of my time on this board I decided to go with my homies here. Or, those that are still around! :p
If one of you mods think this would be better served elsewhere though, then by all means move it accordingly.
 

dwesterny

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Sorry to hear it, Leo. As far as BHM dating I've met my previous and current girlfriends on feabie. Based on your posts in the old Hyde Park you'd hate that site though. It's extremely left wing sjw territory. I'm a lifelong democrat and liberal and that site is often too much for even me. But it's the best place to find single FFAs. On the other hand your body type with all the muscle would probably mean you could do just fine on mainstream dating sites like okcupid and tinder. But if you can slog through the terribleness there are some good folks you can meet on feabie and Texas has lots of FFAs (of course it's also a huge state). Best of luck!
 

LeoGibson

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Thanks Dwes.

I’m mostly Libertarian with some tendencies right and some left but mostly disdainful of politics altogether so yeah. Probably not the place for me. But truth be told, I’m not heading out in the internet dating world any time soon. I’m content with where I’m at right now.

Thanks for the well wishes. Right now I’m just trying to navigate the waters of ending things.
 

ScreamingChicken

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I am veteran of two divorces. One marriage lasted 16 years and two children. The second one lasted 3 years and resulted in no children.

What are some things you learned? Just because she is the mother of your children and they live with her, doesn't mean she necessarily controls them or you, by extension.
Or wish you had done differently? I wish I had been more leery in whom i confided.
 

agouderia

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Really sorry to hear that Leo! Bon courage - as the French so rightly say - and good luck with everything.

As someone who comes from a family with no less than four generations of divorces - all I can say it depends on your personal situation and perspective.

Is it an unwelcome surprise for you, something you never envisioned and preferred not to happen?
Or is it a relief, even a liberation from a personal situation that no longer made you happy or simply bored you or left you indifferent?
The situation you find yourself in definitely determines how to go about it.

More my extensive observation material I derived the following:

As far as the legal proceedings go - get them over and done with as fast as possible. It's like pulling off a band-aid - one quick jerk hurts less than endless tweaking.

If children are involved: Be as honest as possible with them in an age appropriate manner - but don't pull them into the proceedings. Remain a father for them, even if the mom gives you a hard time - she doesn't matter any more, but the children will always stay yours. Don't follow the "out of sight - out of mind" pattern way too many fathers still do.

Do something new for yourself.
That doesn't mean necessarily a new partner right away - it can be a new job, doing something you've always wanted to do and never dared, making a very different new home for yourself, revamping a neglected talent, taking a sabbatical or whatever.
Something that really means something to you and feels good.
 

LeoGibson

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Very solid advice Agouderia. Thank you.

Fortunately, no children involved and it wasn’t a shock. It’s more of a relief as I’m the one more that made this decision.

I definitely think you’re right on the money SC!
I can definitely see where watching just who you confide in could be a monumental decision. Thanks for the insight.
 

DragonFly

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Willie Nelson says it best, you never get over it but you do make it through.

Something to ponder - even if you are the one to end it, it will be a relief at times, but you may still go through the grieving process. The 5 stages of grief ebb and flow, be aware you may feel angry or sad, lots of things you might think you wouldn’t because you initiated the separation.
 

ScreamingChicken

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Another thing I would throw out there is to be careful of social media during the divorce itself. My second divorce was fodder for commentary and all sorts of innuendo by some elements of the community. I heard some really bizarre things like I had left my ex because I lost weight SMH. And rather than asking me a question directly, people were more than happy to go along with whatever gossip they heard.

Not to mention , some members of the ex's family tried to co-opt the divorce and make it about themselves.
 

AmyJo1976

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All great advice Leo. Never being married, I can't really add much to it. I have been through several failed long-term relationships though and I can say that moving on and not looking back hurts a lot less than pondering on what went wrong or how you could have done things better. And definitely don't be afraid of getting out there and finding love again. I've made that mistake too and now looking back, it was just time lost. Best of luck guy! :)
 

Lizzie_Jones

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Give yourself time and gradually you will feel better. It took me 3 years just to get over my last relationship. We were together for 8 ....almost 9 years.
 

DragonFly

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That’s spot-on. I’ve shook my head a few times because of that very thing. I’d wonder why I’m so damn sad when I’m the one who called for it.
When I ended a LTR I cried every day for a year. When my guy passed in 2016 I’ve been crying on and off since.... we make it through but never really get over it.
 

AmyJo1976

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When I ended a LTR I cried every day for a year. When my guy passed in 2016 I’ve been crying on and off since.... we make it through but never really get over it.
:( :(
 

agouderia

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I’d wonder why I’m so damn sad when I’m the one who called for it.
Sadness is always a part of any major life change when you leave something behind that meant something to you. DragonFly is right about the different stages loss - not only real grief - go through.
The hard part is finding the balance between allowing the necessary sadness, not running away from it - but also not letting yourself drown in it. From what you've written here Leo, you seem to be finding your new footing quite well - so all the best in continuing on your new path.
 

LeoGibson

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From what you've written here Leo, you seem to be finding your new footing quite well - so all the best in continuing on your new path.
Thank you. I appreciate the kind thoughts. It’s slow going for sure, but it’s going. I’m very thankful to have some really awesome people in my life to be there for me and lend me their ears when I need to get things out.
 
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A strong support group that will listen but also be honest with you is key. You also have to be honest with them (and yourself) as well.
 

WVMountainrear

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I don't have a lot to add here, but I just wanted to chime in with my support. Let yourself feel what you feel. Don't put yourself on any sort of arbitrary timeline for things. Know that there are still wonderful people out there in similar situations to you who will make excellent friends and, when you're ready, love interests. And when you come out on the other side, do it having learned from everything you've been through, be honest with yourself about what you do and don't want in someone to share your life with, and believe you're worthy of finding those things in someone new...because you are.
 

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