I think a lot of men and women can relate to your story. Wishing we could find your ultimate joy too.Hi,
I'm a FFA who is just finding her groove. Ever since I could masturbate I fantasized about Big men, but it took me till a year ago to get together with one (and what a ride it has been!)
In my family of origin, a lot of things were bad; sex, fat, showing affection, laughing, dancing,even music. My friends told me that I was pretty and should pick the cutest guys in school. A lot of guys chased me. They never turned me on, and the relationships ended badly. I'd try abstinence, confused by my programming: Men are Bad. Sex is Bad. Fat is Bad. Horniness is Bad. Was I asexual? The men that I was told I should want did nothing for me. I returned always to my fantasies of the Fat, believing myself alone...
Untill my man found me, and I found the online community. Thank God for my 41st year!