I Am Struggling With Depression

Discussion in 'Health Forum' started by Scorsese86, Jul 10, 2008.

  1. Apr 8, 2019 #1341

    Killexia

    Killexia

    Killexia

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    When I was around 11/12 i had a bad depression last until I was around 23/24. I just kind of got over it. Never took meds, no therapists, no inpatient hospitals. We have a family history of depression too. Nowadays I find the depression to be like a tidal wave as it comes and goes, but as an adult I have better resources to deal.

    My dad has a bad cancer diagnosis and my mom and her shack up BF are moving from their state to mine. I'm currently under a lot of stress and pressure, and often feel the depression coming back. However, I'm very angry about my dad's situation and the part he played in it so I have found that giving into my anger to motivate me at work and getting responsibilities done works fantastically. Plus I have my dog to think about and she's like my kid.
     
  2. Apr 8, 2019 #1342

    ODFFA

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    I'm so sorry to hear you've been having such a hard time :( You really are a great presence around these parts and I so hope that weight starts lifting off your shoulders soon.

    God, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's diagnosis, and the stress heaped on top of all that. Wishing you the best, and that it won't take too long for the pressure to subside at least. That "giving in to anger to get stuff done" thing is so interesting to me in that I've seen plenty of people do it, known several people who operate this way... and it's like I can't really seem to manage it. Not for very long anyway. I'll have these occasional spurts of anger-motivation that may last a week or two. And it absolutely serves me in the area of basic functioning. But it always ends up feeling really unfulfilling to the point where, eventually, I can't keep it up anymore.

    (I'm doing... eh... okaaay right now. I'm bringing it up more out of intrigue than anything else.)
     
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  3. Apr 8, 2019 #1343

    Killexia

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    Thank you. It is of his own making from 50 years of heavy smoking. I figured at his age he would be had a stroke by now, so I've been well prepared. I'm actually pissed off at his reaction of being so surprised he has lung cancer. I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake some sense into him. Sheesh.

    The anger thing makes me feel in control. I internalize things. When it gets to a breaking point that's when I pour some whiskey or vodka and chill out by the fire outside. I have found some new wines and cocktails this way. LOL So there is a silver lining to it all.
     
  4. Apr 9, 2019 #1344

    ODFFA

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    I know the feeling. My dad was drinking himself to death -- got extremely close to it in December. He's in rehab at the moment, but I'm . . . not exactly holding my breath.

    I can definitely understand the anger-motivation thing working out. It does for me too, only it's very short-lived. But there are plus sides to that as well. I'm beginning to remember and re-appreciate the fact that I'm more easily and consistently motivated by the "softer" emotions, even when the depression hits. The only reason that bothered me was that it has the potential to make me a . . . well, soft target for tactics like manipulation. But I'm realising that I am wiser now than I used to be and I could stand to trust myself more. Dealing with some emotional shell shock is understandable, but I don't want it taking over my life and messing with my happiness.
     
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  5. Apr 10, 2019 #1345

    Killexia

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    I'm sorry to hear of that too. Too bad we didn't stand in the better parent line all those years ago. LOL

    My mother is a master manipulator and her parents were very cruel to me growing up. I also grew up in a ghetto, so I learned some skills to deal with people who think I'm an easy mark. I kind of feel bad for them when they realize they can't get one over on me. LOL

    Whenever I get home I will toast to you and your struggles. :)
     
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  6. Jun 15, 2019 #1346

    da3ley

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    I am struggling with thought of not wanting to be here anymore. Its a daily struggle and for the most part i have to fight with all i have , and all the energy. It seems even to take a breath when i get like this is so crippling. It's Like something has latched on to me and trying to pull me down til I do it.

    Whoever is hurting I don't mind talking to even though we are strangers Some of the best listeners are the ones that have been through depression and trauma. Whomever needs a shoulder I don't mind. You can message me...don't be shy, Cancers are good listeners, so I have heard.
     
  7. Jun 19, 2019 #1347

    loopytheone

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    Confession time: Mine has been kicking me in the balls pretty hard recently, which is why I haven't been around here much. I just don't really have anybody to talk to about a lot of my issues, or only one person who already gets everything dumped on them, bless them.

    I'm coming to the conclusion that I have some sort of body image disorder as well. And that is so, so raw for me and I don't think I could talk to a therapist about it in person anyway.

    Recently my mood has felt like a rocket zooming around in a million different directions.
     
  8. Jun 19, 2019 #1348

    Unbasher

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    Why do you feel you couldn't talk to a therapist about it?
     
  9. Jun 20, 2019 #1349

    loopytheone

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    I just don't think that they would understand that there is an issue. I'm an obese woman, if I complain that sometimes I feel huge and gross and would do anything to change that, then most people think that is normal.

    But it isn't normal for me. Most of the time I am happy being fat and like my body. But throughout my whole life, I have this undercurrent of intense disgust for my body, be it because of my weight, my skin, hair etc. I had an eating disorder when I was younger and got down to 110 lbs, and still felt huge and gross, so its not actually my size that is the problem, its my self perception.

    I just don't think I could cope with saying these really raw/personal things to somebody and having them respond with telling me to 'just lose weight' or whatever.
     
  10. Jun 20, 2019 #1350

    Unbasher

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    I'm skinny, always have been, yet I'm struggling with anorexic tendencies and have trouble accepting my body. It does not make sense. If you find the right therapist, however, they won't try to make sense of it, much less judge you. Mine sees I'm struggling and recognizes it as a symptom of a deeper issue. She rarely tell me what to do but gives me things to think about.
    Although it was a stroke of luck finding her, there is no reason why you shouldn't luck out, too. Perhaps someone who knows you well can recommend someone who will be a good fit. At any rate that therapist should be female since she will be able to better relate to what you're going through.
    Ultimately it's your decision of course and you have to do what you feel comfortable with. Bottomline, however, a therapist's office can be the safest place on Earth to talk about your most embarrassing and darkest secrets if you're talking to the right person.
     
  11. Jun 20, 2019 #1351

    Sonic Purity

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    Not in California, U.S.A.: sharing certain very private things requires mandatory reporting to law enforcement here, else the therapist loses their license, can be sued, etc. Say the wrong thing, and you can be forcibly medicated/detained against your will by the decision of one flawed human—no jury, no oversight. A few weeks ago: i didn’t even say anything wrong, but my ex-therapist jumped to an unwarranted conclusion and to cover her (sexy) ass put in a call, and the police were at my front door, doing a welfare check.

    Finding mental health care and being able to honestly, openly work with your therapist if you’re an individual who’s ever been suicidal, even if you’re totally not at all in the present, is basically not possible. I’m currently living through this nightmare.
     
  12. Jun 20, 2019 #1352

    Unbasher

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    This makes me both grateful and bitter. Grateful for the German healthcare system and bitter that the American one doesn't seem to get any better. If you can't even trust your therapist, who can you trust?? I feel for you :-\
     
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  13. Jun 20, 2019 #1353

    loopytheone

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    Yeah, in theory the same applies in the UK, they are obligated to tell the police if they think you are risk to yourself or others. They pretty much never do though, even when I was dragged to the doctors in an actively suicidal state.

    But yeah, I've seen a lot of therapists for various things over the years and honestly, I never trusted them completely. I've had bad experiences with most of them, though not nearly as bad as Sonic has. My current therapist loves to tell me that my anxiety will 'just go away' if I try harder. So yeah, that probably sums up the quality of therapists here...
     
  14. Jun 20, 2019 #1354

    Unbasher

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    Come to Germany, both of you. Great food, great therapists.
     
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  15. Jun 20, 2019 #1355

    squeezablysoft

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    I feel for you, Loops. I've talked before on here about how conflicted I feel about my weight, bouncing back and forth between wanting to gain even to immobility at times and giving into the cultural narrative I grew up with that for a woman at least the thinner the better. And thus feeling like the only weight I can really never be happy at is a "normal healthy weight". I'd love to discuss this with an understanding therapist but I'm afraid most wouldn't understand how anyone would actually want to be fat. I just had to switch therapists since the one I was seeing decided to take some time off so I'm still feeling things out with the new one. It's so frustrating because I'd love to be comfortable in my own skin but I don't think I can be if I take my weight in the direction everyone thinks would normally be a good thing.
     
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  16. Jun 20, 2019 #1356

    Sonic Purity

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    Back before California statute 5150 and related laws existed (or perhaps before i knew they existed), it was possible to be totally honest with one’s therapist, and i was able to get some beneficial work done with some.

    My experience here has been that mental health therapists come in many different “flavors”, which is to say specialties and skill sets. It’s an ever-changing alphabet soup of formal name suffixes. If that’s true where you are, too, Loopy, maybe you need a different type of therapist? If government would get out of the way, i’d hope to be benefitting from working with a trauma specialist therapist right now (which i was doing until she terminated me). Even within a category or credential title (LMFT and LCSW are a couple of titles currently in use here: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker), the exact approach used can be quite different. And, as a form of semi-intimate relationship, individual comfort and connection matter, and cannot necessarily be predicted or mapped out in advance.

    Well, at least i have a compatible surname for being there, since the patriarchal lineage came from there and jumped to this continent around 1760-something. Not that i remember more than a few words and fragments from the 2 years of high school German i took.

    The one (1) time i was and likely will ever have been to Europe (and the UK) was in 1992, for my brother’s wedding (to a Hungarian professor of English literature, in Budapest), traveling with my parents (who had the $$ and travel savvy to make things happen and work out). I was quite ill with what i thought was a cold but was actually the flu at the time (thank you for nothing, Virgin recycled air Airways), so i don’t remember much. Traveled by train out of Budapest through Austria and somewhere in Germany switched to a rental car. Wherever i was, i do remember how green the hills were all around the beautiful wide-open rural segment of the autobahn we were on. I expected to feel all this deep emotional tribal ancestral connection when we visited what is supposed to be the area of my paternal ancestors (somewhere in the palatinate region is all i remember), and felt nothing. Same thing in Cornwall, England, where another branch of the family came from: nice enough place, but didn’t feel even a tiny bit like coming home, nor a place of deep connection. The rave in Glasgow was nice, though, even though another branch of ancestors was apparently from closer to Edinburgh, not there. (Too few BBW on the massive dance floor and me too shy and flu-ill to approach them.)

    If a whole slew of things were different in my life, and i lived in something closer to my father’s BHM body or his brother’s SSBHM body, i might want to come visit you, Unbasher, and maybe we’d have a good time. You’d have no use for my slender body, and i really need soft, luscious fat thickness to love, as i gather you do. Maybe we’d write stories together or something. It remains somewhat of a mystery how my father ran mostly between hefty and outright fat most of his adult life and my mother and her mother and father all sported round fat pot bellies at various points (the women less than my grandfather), and yet my brother and i came out as (relatively) tall poles, and remain that way. My brother and i did come out of the same fallopian tube, though, but that’s a story for another day… or site.

    I’ve had trouble tolerating my body and appearance my whole life. Unlike you, Loopy, i’ve not had those periods of liking my body, beyond rare, fleeting moments. In my case, low self-esteem has been a major factor.

    Seems to me that many of us may be genetically set up to find others attractive, but not so much (or at all) ourselves. Might have something to do with reproductive diversity?

    Since each of us needs to find our own way to body image self-acceptance the following is probably off-topic, but i feel it’s close enough, and i want to confess in public, so i’m sharing it here. I saw some of your pictures here on the site yesterday, Loopy. The ones from that wedding around 2017 or something. It wasn’t the first time i’d seen them. As happened last time, i was nearly in tears from your drop-dead gorgeous shimmering beauty. Your beautiful skin, eyes, eyebrows, hair—your whole face and head. It would not surprise me to see you show up as a fashion model, or in stock photos of attractive people. As before, last time i saw them, it made me wish i could magically be half my current age, and attractive, and a large, soft BHM, and live near you, and you’d have an opening for a special friend, and we could cuddle together, talking about anything and everything our curious, open, scientifically-oriented minds might want to discuss. Or maybe i could be a guinea pig living in your home. That might do.
     
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  17. Jun 20, 2019 #1357

    squeezablysoft

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    Also I was scared to admit to my therapist that I was feeling suicidal but thankfully she didn't overreact and send someone banging on my door to drag me to the mental hospital but I was kinda scared she might.
     
  18. Jun 20, 2019 #1358

    Unbasher

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    "somewhere in the palatinate region is all i remember"
    What? No way, that's where I live! Do you remember a city name?
     
  19. Jun 20, 2019 #1359

    Sonic Purity

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    Maybe that can be a filtering question in your search for your next therapist.

    This last round, i was in deep crisis, needed a trauma therapist now, and was having trouble getting in with anyone. The only one willing and able to take me happened by chance to be a still-BBW after WLS, who in addition to trauma work, counsels clients with “weight issues” and especially those considering weight-loss surgery (which she does not in any way push on anyone). I was not at all sure she’d be OK with any of my innate FA nature, and very clear comfort loving fat women (and not wanting to change any of that).

    For the duration of time she and i worked together, that aspect worked out pretty well. We never did exactly get into the whole fatlovesex world totally head-on, though she had me write out a trauma-centric version of my life story and of necessity there was a whole lot of material on the fatosphere in there, and at various other times bits of things came up, so she had to have known. I even caught her making a brief self-disparaging remark regarding her relative unfitness (she used to be some form of athlete) related to her fat and went straight into a totally honest, real, wholly fat-positive reframing of what she’d just said that i could tell she appreciated. She never once questioned nor judged my attraction, and certainly never tried to “fix” it or guide me out of it. While not my theoretical ideal body shape, it was very, very hard at times to keep my eyes focused on hers, with her deliciously huge thighs right there, and her soft, woggaly upper arm fat. Any time either or both her arms went up, i had to sneak at least a brief look. We had things in common, and a lot of times the sessions fell into more of a social visit with her talking about herself, which would’ve been great by me if i wasn’t paying for therapy, and especially if she and i could date, or be special friends.

    Many things about her terminating me upset me. Losing a therapist with whom i could freely discuss aspects of our community with her taking things in stride and having an understanding of them is definitely one of those. If my situation was less urgent and i had the luxury of doing more therapist shopping, knowledge and at least tolerance of the fatosphere might well be one of my filtering criteria.
     
  20. Jun 21, 2019 #1360

    lille

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    So I’m a mental health professional in the US and I work in suicide prevention. I talk to people with suicidal thoughts every single day. We rarely ever call police. The only time police are called is if there is emminent danger and no other way to keep the person safe. If you can’t talk to your therapist about a history of suicidal thoughts you’ve got a crappy therapist.
     
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