I Am Struggling With Depression

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DragonFly

Ahem Prema
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Not that you haven't figured this out already but, therapy and counseling are not magical wands that someone can wave and you are miraculously healed. I equate it to training your body or you mind that's cramming for a test. It helps to train your mind to operate in a new way that will help you deal with whatever the issue is. It opens new pathways for your brain to develop. The biggest thing I took away from it was that I had to consciously work on it every day. Slowly, I began to get better. I am confident you will as well. Best of luck! :oops:*and now I will go back to being silent*
You expressed that incredibly perfect! Thank you!
 

Yakatori

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"...mad about me talking to a therapist because...do anything other than make things worse with my mom."
Then don't tell her about it. Don't confuse your own perfectly normal, predictable-even, desire to talk further and more openly about with others about what you've only just begun to unpack privately with this paid professional with a need on her part to actually hear about it.

Just because you live with your mom, and even if you're majorly codependent or otherwise just-dependent on her, doesn't really mean you have to tell her everything. You don't. It's okay. You can just lie. It's okay. You can lie to your mom. At least when it comes to stuff like this.

And find other people, even if just on here, to talk about stuff like this with.
 

rellis10

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I admitted to my manager at work that I believe I'm going through Depression once again. Almost 4 years ago I went through diagnosis and treatment for it during an extremely stressful time, and right now I'm feeling very much the same. Constantly down, distracted, needlessly terse and obstructive, mood swings toward anger/frustration, random anxiety spikes... I've been a mess.

Stress and pressure from work is becoming unbearable, I'm in the process of moving into a new flat and I've very recently faced romantic rejection from someone that's impacted me harder than I ever expected. Over the last 6-12 months everything has pushed and pushed until I've hit breaking point.

I can't take time off work right now, the only other person capable of covering for me is on holiday, so I'm stuck pushing through it. After that, I might have to accept that I need professional help again. That thought has always made me feel weak and like a failure though.
 

lille

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After that, I might have to accept that I need professional help again. That thought has always made me feel weak and like a failure though.

Asking for hel is not a sign of weakness. Would you feel like a failure going to the doctor for pneumonia or a broken bone?
 

rellis10

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Asking for hel is not a sign of weakness. Would you feel like a failure going to the doctor for pneumonia or a broken bone?

Thank you for the reply. I totally get that when I'm thinking straight, and I know mental illness is just as real and harmful as any broken bone or desease.

When it's at its worst it plays tricks though, makes me feel like giving in and asking for help is a sign I'm not good enough or strong enough to put up with the shit everyone else does.

Again I know that's wrong, it's just something I can't avoid thinking. But I need to push through it like I did the first time if I want real help.
 

ODFFA

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In recent weeks I've been scammed out of money, caught someone rummaging through my purse, had plenty of anxiety spikes and embarrassing moments, had some pertinent reminders of just how little I mean to certain family members, and been struggling a lot with self-loathing.

I only ever feel safe or happy when I'm isolated, but I know too much of that isn't healthy, so I'm pushing myself. And I'm hating every second of it.

I've held my head above water OK, but especially the last 2 days I've been dealing with a lot of suicidal ideation. It's highly unlikely I'll do anything about it, but god knows, the thought of not being alive anymore does bring immense relief sometimes.
 

SplendidMarble

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In recent weeks I've been scammed out of money, caught someone rummaging through my purse, had plenty of anxiety spikes and embarrassing moments, had some pertinent reminders of just how little I mean to certain family members, and been struggling a lot with self-loathing.

I only ever feel safe or happy when I'm isolated, but I know too much of that isn't healthy, so I'm pushing myself. And I'm hating every second of it.

I've held my head above water OK, but especially the last 2 days I've been dealing with a lot of suicidal ideation. It's highly unlikely I'll do anything about it, but god knows, the thought of not being alive anymore does bring immense relief sometimes.

I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I can definitely say I’ve been there, although not the same exact situations.

I’m glad you’re pushing yourself to not isolate, even though it sucks - and it does.

I’m glad you posted as letting anyone know is always know can be a little bit of help. We don’t know each other, but please feel free to send me a message if you’d like to talk or vent or anything else. I hope the heavy and immense feelings subside soon.
 

BigElectricKat

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Yeah, no.
In recent weeks I've been scammed out of money, caught someone rummaging through my purse, had plenty of anxiety spikes and embarrassing moments, had some pertinent reminders of just how little I mean to certain family members, and been struggling a lot with self-loathing.

I only ever feel safe or happy when I'm isolated, but I know too much of that isn't healthy, so I'm pushing myself. And I'm hating every second of it.

I've held my head above water OK, but especially the last 2 days I've been dealing with a lot of suicidal ideation. It's highly unlikely I'll do anything about it, but god knows, the thought of not being alive anymore does bring immense relief sometimes.
I've been there. More times than I care to admit. And truth be told, my ship occassionally wants to drift in those waters even now. But I encourage you to resist those thoughts because when you get so down on yourself that those thoughts creep in, put things in perspective. Not to make light of your specific situation (which i have no idea of) but there are literally MILLIONS of people who wish there life was as good as yours. I have lived in several different countries and been to many more. I've seen people living, working, struggling in such harsh conditions and extreme poverty. My heart breaks every time I revisit some of those memories and that is what makes me keep my chin up when my mind takes me down.

I think that you are doing the right thing by pushing yourself and not staying isolated. Self-loathing is a one-way street on the way to a dead end. Turn that around and connect with people who can or will see that greatness that resides within you. There's nothing like spending time with people who see what's good about you. And I echo SplendidMarble - Message me if you need someone to just talk to or vent. Remember: LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE.
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rellis10

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So, about a month ago I started getting treatment for depression for a second time.

On top of work stress and a flat move, I've also had a bad experience romantically that has tested me mentally for a few months.

It became more and more apparent that she wasn't attracted to me physically and it was something she couldn't get past. After it finished, I've struggled intensely with self-belief and self-loathing. Things are getting better, but very slowly.
 

BigElectricKat

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Yeah, no.
So, about a month ago I started getting treatment for depression for a second time.

On top of work stress and a flat move, I've also had a bad experience romantically that has tested me mentally for a few months.

It became more and more apparent that she wasn't attracted to me physically and it was something she couldn't get past. After it finished, I've struggled intensely with self-belief and self-loathing. Things are getting better, but very slowly.
Hang in there, brother! Things will turn for the good!
 
Joined
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So, about a month ago I started getting treatment for depression for a second time.

On top of work stress and a flat move, I've also had a bad experience romantically that has tested me mentally for a few months.

It became more and more apparent that she wasn't attracted to me physically and it was something she couldn't get past. After it finished, I've struggled intensely with self-belief and self-loathing. Things are getting better, but very slowly.
Like BEK said, hang in there! Depression is a horrible thing to have to deal with and nothing is more of a trigger than a partner that doesn't, or act like they're not attracted to you physically, at least for me. I truly believe that there's someone out there for everyone, you just have to find them. I hope it gets better for you soon! :)
 

lille

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It's been a particularly bad day. I was able to take some meds and that quieted my brain down enough to get a little sleep. If I don't even want to move. The idea of getting up and functioning at work tomorrow feels like an insurmountable task right now.
 

ODFFA

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I may be finally moving out very, very soon. That's a silver lining. But it feels like my whole life is falling apart. The family fights and feuds are escalating to an insane degree. I wish I still lived in a country with a decent public transport system and a reasonable crime rate. I have never felt so lost.

The icing on the cake is the thought of leaving my dog for good, under those abusive, traumatic circumstances. Feel like I've failed her. It just kills me. I miss her so so much </3
 
Joined
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I may be finally moving out very, very soon. That's a silver lining. But it feels like my whole life is falling apart. The family fights and feuds are escalating to an insane degree. I wish I still lived in a country with a decent public transport system and a reasonable crime rate. I have never felt so lost.

The icing on the cake is the thought of leaving my dog for good, under those abusive, traumatic circumstances. Feel like I've failed her. It just kills me. I miss her so so much </3
That stinks that you have to leave your dog :( You can't take her with?
 

ODFFA

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That stinks that you have to leave your dog :( You can't take her with?

Unfortunately there's no way to have her stay here where I am now. I've been crying for her all evening. I know she'll be ok in the end, it's just the thought of her missing me and wondering where I am that is so hard to take at the moment. I'll see her again on Wednesday and be able to spend some quality time.

Thanks so much for the kindness, though. Very, very much appreciated.
 

lille

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Unfortunately there's no way to have her stay here where I am now. I've been crying for her all evening. I know she'll be ok in the end, it's just the thought of her missing me and wondering where I am that is so hard to take at the moment. I'll see her again on Wednesday and be able to spend some quality time.

Thanks so much for the kindness, though. Very, very much appreciated.

I am so sorry you're going through this. I can't image how hard this has been for you.
 

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