BHM but not a FA, how to change?

[Anjula]

@Anjula From the bottom of my heart, fuck you! I figured if there was ONE place on the internet where I could mention my weight and not be shamed with "just lose the weight, you're a young guy so it's easy," it would be here. Well you know what, a few years ago I DID lose the weight. I hated every single second of it because I had to constantly monitor and berate myself to keep from eating anything enjoyable and after every workout I would feel so depressed for hours I was borderline suicidal, but yeah, it was definitely "easy". Got down to 190 and you wanna know something? I STILL LOOKED FAT!!!!!! My measurements did not change, my photos did not change, literally no one who didn't already know I was trying to lose weight and therefore had confirmation bias could tell the difference! I may have not been obese according to BMI at that time but as far as everyone else was concerned I still was because I still looked fat. But I guess I should have just stuck with it because clearly it must have been my fault since it is such an "easy fix", the great Anjula said so. Sincerely, fuck you and the judgmental horse you rode in on!

Fuck me huh? Well, considering how good in bed I am and how weird your mentality is, that could potentially help you with a lot of your problems I’m not into mercy fucks tho.

Jokes aside. Dude...

Dims is a wonderful place, we are anything but fat phobic here, no one is blaming your extra weight for your problems (well...you are and this is why I suggested losing it).

Loosing weight and staying skinny is too hard? No fucking shit. I’ve been overweight most of my life, I’ve battled bulimia and body issues for years. I work out 4/5 times a week, I’m a vegan and while I enjoy pretty much everything in moderation these days, If I go crazy on food and drinks I will gain weight. Easily. Do you think most slim people have bomb metabolisms and eat whatever the fuck they want? No sugar, we WORK for it. That’s what life is about. You want something you go after it.

I struggle with low self-esteem and depression. It is not severe enough to ever affect my ability to function on a daily basis, but it is almost always present in the back of my mind.

Loosing fat is easier than battling depressions, that’s a fact. So that is, probably, why the therapist told you to do just that. There is no magic pill, no magic person, no fairy dust that’s going to fix you. Only you can fix yourself and a good place to start is the gym. Quoting some movie I don’t remember the title of: „exercise produce endorphins, endorphins make you happy(...)”

Also...depression? anxiety? They’re my middle names. I’ve been diagnosed with more mental illness than you can imagine when I was 15. I’ve spend 6months in bed because of the crazy state of my depression, I had a psychiatrist tell me I need to be hospitalized because I’m in such a bad mental state, I’ve been told by other he’s never seen anyone talk about ending their life witth such a bigg smile. I failed university because of mental illnesses, I’ve lost people I cared about, I’ve been through hell. There was a time when my diet consisted of Xanax and more Xanax. Yet here I am, mostly nice human with flourishing social life, a degree and a great job. My secret? I tried (and worked) hard on myself and I (almost) never blamed my ilnesses for my failures.

^I mentioned the above because I’m sick and tired of people using mental illnesses as shields. Yeah, we are sick but it’s OUR job to fix ourselves. Sadly nobody can do it for us...and bitching about it is not gonna help.
You’re 25, it’s your life, take responsibility for it instead of blaming depression, weight and lack of “love” for the shitty state of it. Nobody wants to date a charity case.

she said,

How am I supposed to take that except "You have no right to not like your body because you can just choose to not be fat anymore, it's easy!" Throwing in as an afterthought that the weight isn't the real issue doesn't negate her dismissing all my concerns as being up to a deliberate choice to be fat, like everyone else on the internet. And you think I don't know that? I know having a girlfriend won't magically make my depression go away, but it will help me get past the biggest mental block to improving, that I am undesirable and therefore can never find love. Besides, what's the alternative, not want to find love at all, lie to myself and say it doesn't matter to me in the slightest?

oh boy... you have all the rights to hate your body but you can't blame your weight for being undesirable yet do nothing to change it. That's plain stupidity. Also do you think finding a girlfriend is going to change YOUR perception of yourself? As I've said in my first post, I can't believe you're real. Your logic is so flawn I am honestly thinking you're a troll.

You want to force yourself to like a fat girl in order to get a girlfriend who is magically gonna make you feel better about yourself while you actually hate fat bodies, don't find them desirable and think that fat girls like fat guys because they have low standards. Her feelings aside, how are you gonna feel any better knowing (thinking) she's with you because she can't do any better?

PS. Don’t go knocking on bdsm/poly community doors, we will eat you alive... I'm considered nice in there


just saying...

 

[landshark]

Damn, @Anjula that post was...hot.

 

[Anjula]

Damn, @Anjula that post was...hot.

hhahahahahaha I was going for sarcastic / keepin it real kinda vibes but hot works too

 

[Peter_emrys]

@Anjula Yes, clearly I did nothing to change my weight despite getting down to 190 and I just chose to be miserable since I didn't want to keep going just because the dieting and exercise directly made me feel suicidal.

Still, on every other point, you are right. I am garbage. I am a loser. I am so unlovable that the only way I could ever experience any human contact let alone sex is through pity. I know it is 100% my fault I am depressed. I know it is 100% my fault that I am fat. I know it is 100% my fault that I am unlovable. I know that if I wasn't so stupid I would know how to cure my depression myself, but I am. You're especially right about my desires. I have no right to desire even vanilla love, let alone alternative sexual lifestyles. I need to realize and accept that I have nothing to offer another person in this world and the only ethical thing to do is not inflict myself on someone else. If I can't learn that, then probably for the best that I take myself out of the picture as soon as my mother passes away someday since she's the only person in the world who would be sad to see me go.

And sadly, I am not a troll. I really am this pathetic. I am sincerely sorry for lashing out at you.

 

[BigElectricKat]

@Anjula Yes, clearly I did nothing to change my weight despite getting down to 190 and I just chose to be miserable since I didn't want to keep going just because it directly made me feel suicidal.

Still, you are right. I am garbage. I am a loser. I am so unlovable that the only way I could ever experience any human contact let alone sex is through pity. I know it is 100% my fault I am depressed. I am it is 100% my fault that I am fat. I know it is 100% my fault that I am unlovable. I know that if I wasn't so stupid I would know how to cure my depression myself, but I am. You're especially right about my desires. I have no right to desire even vanilla love, let alone alternative sexual lifestyles. I need to realize and accept that I have nothing to offer another person in this world and the only ethical thing to do is not inflict myself on someone else. If I can't learn that, then probably for the best that I take myself out of the picture as soon as my mother dies someday since she's the only person in the world who would be sad to see me go.

And sadly, I am not a troll. I really am this pathetic.

Dude, really? Where is your manhood? Where is your fight? Where is your confidence? You've really got to get out of the 'pity pool' and swim with the sharks for a while. As Anjula mentioned before, most everybody likes a person with SOME confidence. You really have to tell yourself that you are worth it and start acting like it. If this line of statements is being made to elicit pity... then you've made your point. But it's not a good look. You control your destiny. No one else.

AND...
How do you know anything about "vanilla love" if you've never had any. It might be the greatest thing you'll ever experience. You might want to give it a try before trying to run with us big, bad wolves with alternative lifestyles. That might be more than you bargain for. *just sayin'*

 

[Anjula]

@Anjula Yes, clearly I did nothing to change my weight despite getting down to 190 and I just chose to be miserable since I didn't want to keep going just because it directly made me feel suicidal.

Still, you are right. I am garbage. I am a loser. I am so unlovable that the only way I could ever experience any human contact let alone sex is through pity. I know it is 100% my fault I am depressed. I am it is 100% my fault that I am fat. I know it is 100% my fault that I am unlovable. I know that if I wasn't so stupid I would know how to cure my depression myself, but I am. I have no right to desire even vanilla love, let alone alternative sexual lifestyles. I need to realize and accept that I have nothing to offer another person in this world or take myself out of it.

And sadly, I am not a troll. I really am this pathetic.

my dude, don't go pity party on me, I've had enough of that in my life. I never said you're a garbage, a loser or unlovable. That being said I stand behind my words, I think your logic is flawed and you should see a therapist and maybe LISTEN to him/her. Internet people won't help you. Kinky community is no place for people without self confidence, you can't be non-monogamous without a huge amount of self awareness and self worth, because it can literally drive you insane, it's a fact. Learn to walk before you learn to run. Learn to love yourself first.

 

[Peter_emrys]

That's my point, I don't have any fight or confidence, I never have.

No one could ever even tolerate being with me except out of pity = unlovable garbage loser to me.

And that was my point, it is wrong for me to want anything more sexually when I am incapable of even the most basic vanilla relationships. I was saying you were right.

Also, I don't want pity, I want to accept what you have to say, that no one could ever love someone as pathetic as me. If I don't accept that, then sooner or later I will again have hope that I am not unlovable and just feel more pain when I am reminded that I am. I wasn't expecting pity, I was expecting you to agree with my last post, to keep it real.

 

[landshark]

@Anjula Yes, clearly I did nothing to change my weight despite getting down to 190 and I just chose to be miserable since I didn't want to keep going just because the dieting and exercise directly made me feel suicidal.

Still, on every other point, you are right. I am garbage. I am a loser. I am so unlovable that the only way I could ever experience any human contact let alone sex is through pity. I know it is 100% my fault I am depressed. I am it is 100% my fault that I am fat. I know it is 100% my fault that I am unlovable. I know that if I wasn't so stupid I would know how to cure my depression myself, but I am. You're especially right about my desires. I have no right to desire even vanilla love, let alone alternative sexual lifestyles. I need to realize and accept that I have nothing to offer another person in this world and the only ethical thing to do is not inflict myself on someone else. If I can't learn that, then probably for the best that I take myself out of the picture as soon as my mother passes away someday since she's the only person in the world who would be sad to see me go.

And sadly, I am not a troll. I really am this pathetic. I am sincerely sorry for lashing out at you.

Gag.

Dude, I sincerely wanted to help but I don’t even try with people who won’t help themselves.

 

[Peter_emrys]

I am sorry. I had a depressive episode today so when I read these replies I felt like you all were saying I am inherently unlovable instead of what you were actually saying, that I am unlovable as long as I have depression. That is entirely on me for reading more into your replies than you meant. But I still stand by what I said. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for me, the best I could possibly do is learn to manage or contain my depression but it is never going away, I have had it literally as long as I remember, which means I will never experience any intimacy. I can't love myself so I shouldn't expect anyone else to ever love me.

I am sorry for showing all of you the ugliness within me and I am sorry for polluting this forum with my issues. I forgot that this is my burden to bear and no one else's, that the least I could do is not expose my issues to others. Is there a way to delete a thread? I realize that this was a mistake.

 

[LeoGibson]

It’s ok to feel any way you want. There’s no need to delete anything. As long as you are self-aware enough to know you have a problem, you can fix it.

If you’re depressed due to a chemical imbalance in your brain a good psychiatrist can help you dial in the right medications to help you fight off the depression and if it’s emotional then therapy can help you learn to control it and how to work around your issues and help you realize a more full life. The question though is whether or not you have enough fighting spirit in you to try or if you’d rather just feel sorry for yourself and do nothing. Either way it’s your choice to make and not making one is still making one.

Good luck to you.

 

[DragonFly]

I’m going right back to.... Dude you are 25. You have only just begun your life journey. Get the help you need. We can offer advice all day long, but we are people on the internet. Special people that know fat and the fat way, but we are not professionals. You give a lot of excuses, get some help.

 

[landshark]

I am sorry. I had a depressive episode today so when I read these replies I felt like you all were saying I am inherently unlovable instead of what you were actually saying, that I am unlovable as long as I have depression. That is entirely on me for reading more into your replies than you meant. But I still stand by what I said. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for me, the best I could possibly do is learn to manage or contain my depression but it is never going away, I have had it literally as long as I remember, which means I will never experience any intimacy. I can't love myself so I shouldn't expect anyone else to ever love me.

I am sorry for showing all of you the ugliness within me and I am sorry for polluting this forum with my issues. I forgot that this is my burden to bear and no one else's, that the least I could do is not expose my issues to others. Is there a way to delete a thread? I realize that this was a mistake.

I think you’re missing the point. As John Mellencamp said, “Everyone needs a hand to hold on to.” (You’re 25 so you may have to look that one up on iTunes.) I think the audience here gets that. So when you go saying “it’s my cross to bear and mine alone” that’s not the attitude anyone here is encouraging.

That self loathing is unattractive no matter what someone’s physical appearance is. Rambling posts about how unworthy you are...hell if you actually believe it I’m sorry to hear that. If you don’t believe it you’d better stop writing that shit because if you say it enough you may start believing it.

Your sense of self worth has to come from you. You may be able to find an external source that will help, but the reboot is all on you. In that sense, yes it is your burden to bear. Self improvement is always one’s burden to bear. But nobody here is saying you have to do it alone. In fact several have encouraged you to keep seeking help.

I’m going to ask you to try something too. Stick around but lay off this thread. Talk about other subjects here on Dims with some of the same people weighing in here. Focus on something other than your own insecurities for a while. Maybe there’s an interest you share with another member here that can be a nice relief valve for you to talk about.

All of us are battling demons in some way shape or form. Every last one of us. You’re not alone in that regard so stop acting like it.

 

[Unbasher]

@Anjula
"exercise produce endorphins, endorphins make you happy(...)”

It's from Legally Blonde and goes "... and happy people don't shoot their husbands." (She is defending an alleged murderer.)

 

[Anjula]

@Anjula
"exercise produce endorphins, endorphins make you happy(...)”

It's from Legally Blonde and goes "... and happy people don't shoot their husbands." (She is defending an alleged murderer.)

THEY JUST DON’T!

 

[Emmy]

I struggle with low self-esteem and depression. It is not severe enough to ever affect my ability to function on a daily basis, but it is almost always present in the back of my mind. And I know I shouldn't feel guilty about not being attracted to big girls. But I also know that dating is a numbers game and just figured the odds of finding a woman close to my age who would be able to look past it and my lack of experience and also be compatible are small enough without looking for that in the unicorn that is the petite or average weight FFA. I'm sure she exists, I just can't envision any realistic way to find her.

women are attracted to confidence. There is nothing more attractive than a man who knows what he wants, and it sounds like you do! Being big probably isn't the issue here, cuz what girl doesnt want to be picked up and twirled around by a big guy

 

[lille]

Also people with depression are lovable. There’s plenty of us here with mental illness and partners. I have a serious anxiety disorder and have battled depression myself. But you need to work on yourself. I know you said finding a therapist is hard but medications do not change your though patterns and that seems to be a big part of your issue.

 

[wrenchboy]

First off I understand depression. Because I have depression myself.

When someone like Robin Williams, Chris Cornell or too many others commit suicide every one says the same thing. "Why didn't he or she get help"
Those people don't understand depression. It is the depression that prevents you from seeking help. A catch 22.
Thank you for seeking help even if it is just this thread. You have helped out more people than you realize. People read this and don't add comments and also are not even a member take something away from this. "Holy crap! I feel like him too" And silently thank all the people that do try to help.
As far as therapy, meds whatever keep trying. There is not a one size fits all. If one med doesn't help try another. If one therapist doesn't help try another until you find one that works for you.
As far as looking for a mate the number one thing is confidence. We can't say it enough.
Lastly, the road is a bitch. Life sucks. Nothing in this life comes easy. We ALL have to work hard to get the things that we want. I see you down the road maybe 1 year maybe 5 years and you will look back and see how far you have come and be proud of your self.
The people that run the Boston marathon start with one step. Some stumble along the way and some finish with glory.
Dude, It is time to take that step. I don't know you but I believe that you can achieve glory.

 

[Starling]

Reading through, this thread really went off the rails, so I’m just going to address your first post.

- It’s probably not that helpful for me to point out, but it bears mentioning that 250 is not terribly big. Definitely small enough that you could attract a non-FFA - which might actually be the best type of partner for you right now given your current relationship with your body. Maybe one day you might want to explore an FFA-type relationship, but it sounds more like at this point in time you would prefer someone for whom size isn’t a big factor either way.

- You aren’t going to become an FA overnight, nor should you. It’s not fair to you to try and make yourself like a certain type of person, and it’s not fair to the potential BBWs you’d date that you had to ‘train’ yourself to like them. I disagree that dating is a numbers game. Most of my relationships have begun because I saw a person I liked and I asked them out. You don’t need to ask out 100 people in the hopes that 1 will say yes. You need to know yourself and read another person well enough that you can ask one person out and have something come of it. Instead of thinking how you can attract the maximum number of women, think of the ways in which you can attract 1 or two women who meet your interests.

- Even if you consider yourself big, there are probably several things about yourself that you like. Do you have killer hair? Nice eyes? Really great teeth? Focus on those things and playing them up. Losing weight can be a real bitch when you’re depressed, and it’s totally fine to think to yourself “I don’t love the way my body looks right now, but I’m still hot”. What’s your skincare routine like? Do you keep your facial hair groomed if you have it? Have you updated your wardrobe recently? These are all small, doable ‘wins’ that you can use to make yourself feel better in the short term.

You aren’t going to love yourself overnight, and that’s totally normal and okay. But you might want to spend some time around the boards - even though people here range from small to supersize, the one thing we have in common is that we think bigger bodies are awesome, beautiful, and cool. You don’t need to think the same, but I hope you find something on here that starts you on a journey to appreciating the package you come in. Good luck with everything, I really do wish you the best!

 

[LarryTheNoodleGuy]

I'm not as tall or as big as you, but I am clinically "obese" and the last two women I've dated were teeny-tiny, like 112 pounds, one of 'em. One was a hardcore FA which was delightful - i felt like a rock star, getting my fat kneaded, lifted, poked and adored - and the other was into some very kinky stuff I was not into, among other issues precluding a long-term thing.

They are out there. Some are on BHM-lovin' boards, others are not. Who said you have to be attracted to large women, anyway? A dear friend who is over 500 pounds just isn't attracted to fat men, nothing personal.

Hint, too - you might consider not flying off the handle when someone says something that triggers you, especially here, even if it's something that strikes you as ridiculous. One of the complaints I hear from women in their 20s is that men in their 20s are still children except for their grownup bodies. That's why they're really not interested in men their own age with their angst, depression (not to discount the pain and suffering this condition carries with it) rage-fits and astoundingly high rate of petty complaints. (That's why I don't go to Feabie anymore.)

Also, don't get attached to "I'm unlucky in love." It might be right around the corner. Develop a personality that's attractive to women. Read books. Develop interests. (NOT GAMING) Learn a foreign language. Learn to play an instrument, or take a job as lead singer in a hardcore band and vent your rage there and rock your size. Volunteer at a shelter, animal or human. Etc. and so forth and best o'luck. (I met one woman I dated for a few months while volunteering at a Buddhist convention...I liked her when she came to my table. She was skinny-skinny, too, now that i think of it.)

There is one more thing. My life (speaking of myself!) carries with it a daily dose of fun, hardcore fun, belly-laugh fun. Just go out to the supermarket and watch a few humans, then see if you don't start smiling and not taking it all so seriously.

 

[kinkykitten]

My BHM isn’t an FA either... you can’t force it... you like what you like!